my ladder.

As I woke up this morning, I was immediately confronted with so many things weighing on my mind. Four months after walking across that stage and being the first in my family to graduate college.. I am still unemployed. Today is the last day to pay rent and the bank still hasn't refunded the money they owe us. What food do we have in the fridge that I can be creative with to come up with meals for the rest of the week? Why am I just waking up at 11am?

This isn't at all how I imagined life after graduation... I imagined this adorable apartment, decorated perfectly. Falling asleep happily snuggled up next to my love every night, waking up early together to have breakfast and say goodbye as we both leave for jobs that we're actually happy doing. Coming home and cooking dinner together. And actually having money to start trading the 'college lifestyle' in for nicer, more reliable belongings.

Instead, I'm continually finding all of these *perfect* jobs, but lack the experience necessary to even be considered. Struggling to pay bills and to put food on the table, which I suppose would imply that we actually owned a dining room table. Half of the days that I try to get out of the apartment, my car won't start. I stay up late on pinterest, turned away from my love so the light of my phone doesn't keep her awake, either searching for something to make the next day from the random, ignored ingredients we've had in our kitchen for entirely too long, or reading inspiring quotes trying to encourage myself to not give up. I then oversleep, waking up disappointed in myself, with half of the day wasted away. Not knowing where to start or how to stay positive.

Somethings. Got. To. Giiiiiiiiive.

Today.. I got this in my inbox from Notes from the Universe: "At any point in one's life, Kris, the greater the uncertainties they face, the greater their chances of hitting a major, life-changing home run." And I'm hoping with every bit of hope that I have in me that there is truth in that.

I know that one of these days, I'll catch a break. I'll land a job. And although it may not be one that feels perfect in this moment, I will at least have something to stand on. The first step of my ladder taking me to where I want to be. If you miss that first step, your whole journey feels unstable. For some people, that first step is the perfect job, the perfect place, the perfect people, the perfect situation.. and for others, it takes a few steps to get there. For some people, their ladder has more steps on it, and they have to work harder to get to the top. But those people will know the struggle it took to get there, and fully appreciate every small success... knowing that they're getting to where they want to be.

I'm starting to feel like I'm one of those people, and I'm starting to be completely content with it. My life will never be perfect.. but I will never stop climbing my own ladder.