my purpose.

sometimes, it's easy to sit here and wonder what life is really all about.. then there are days like today. days when people allow themselves to have a moment of vulnerability. to completely breakdown. without reservation. without that strong face they constantly put on.. and they let themselves talk about the pain they're continually trying to mask. days that remind you of your true purpose in this world: to love people. to listen. to let them know, sometimes without even using words, that they have someone on their side. someone that is safe. that won't judge them. that won't awkwardly scramble to find the perfect words, but will allow them a place of respite.  

it's no small thing that even people I hardly know are constantly sharing their lives with me. it’s easy to see that as no big deal. as small talk. as something that happens to everyone. but I’m realizing more and more every day that it’s not. and although it may leave me with a heavy heart at times, I see it as an honor to have the ability to carry some of their weight when it’s become too much for them to carry alone. even if it’s just in that moment, knowing I was able to provide that for them when they needed it most makes it worth every bit of heartache it may bring me.

Today is my wonderful girlfriends birthday.. and in honor of her, I thought I'd share the story of... well.. US! so far, that is <3.

Sitting here, reflecting on the last 4 years of my life with her.. i realized that it was about this time, 6 years ago, that I met her. Let me set the scene for you.

It was my first year at Green River and my friends put together a little party to celebrate my birthday... but come to find out, it was also a going away party for a couple of other friends as well. So, naturally, there were a ton of people there that I had never met. Including this loud, bubbly, way-too-happy girl wearing these obnoxious, pink furry boots. They called her.... "Pink".

I was pretty buzzed, which means I wasn't exactly my quiet, shy self that I usually was at parties full of people I didn't know.. but regardless of how social I was, I took one look at this girl everyone called "Pink" and thought to myself, "this girl and i will never be friends." After all, I was one of those quiet emo kids who loved piercings, tattoos and wearing black... and to me, she seemed the exact opposite.Well.. about an hour into the party, she comes up to me, makes light conversation, steals my beanie and decides to wear it the rest of the night. And to this day, she STILL denies was any form of flirting. But come onnn. Everyone else sees it ;) Anyway.. this was her that night. A little intoxicated ;)

A few days later, I went to a New Years Eve party at a friends house...and what do you know? "Pink" was there. We ended up talking for what felt like hours, about all the guys that had been assholes to us.. and how many of those guys we had in common. (Awwwkward thinking about it now.) After that conversation (and a little too much alcohol), we decided from that night on- we were Bonded for Life. BFL.

Look at us, we're cute! :) Yay for 2007!

So, that was it. I realized I had become friends with this girl in the furry boots. I didn't even know her real name.. everyone called her Pink. She was living up in Bellingham, finishing school at Western, and I was in my first year at Green River. Over the next 6 months, we saw each other at random parties and went to a Tyrone Wells concert with a bunch of friends. It was strange.. but we actually got along really well.

This was at the Tyrone concert... where she decided to bring 'dinner in her pocket'. She's always been a strange one :)

We got really close, really fast. We actually had a lot more in common that either of us would have ever guessed. And she decided to make me a craft describing some of those things.. :)

(it wasn't framed like this.. i recently put this together as a gift for our 4 year anniversary.)

(Notice #8....)

Cute, huh? :) Weird to look back at our friendship... it's always been a strange connection. Anyway.. here are some pics from some more hangouts we had over the next year or two!

picked her up from the airport when
 she got back from cali.. she had this and
a live plant sticking out of
her backpack. and she calls
ME the hippie. mmmhmmm. haha.

parties!

she surprised me with a fancy
birthday dinner 'friend date'.

teaching me how to take jello shots :)

trips to the cafe!

she planned an entire surprise party
for my 20th bday. winter wonderland
theme, complete with amazing themed
decorations AND drinks!

Then... the fun begins. The summer before we started dating, we road tripped down to California for Opportunity Camp together. We decided to do the trip as cheaply as possible- meaning we camped out on the beach and random camp grounds instead of paying for hotels. It was quite the adventure. 2 days there and 2 days back. As we were getting ready to head back, we found out that San Francisco Pride just happened to be going on as we were there. Needless to say, we went. Everyone thought we were a couple. It was awkward then.. but HILARIOUS to think about now. We were asked a couple of times, "are you gay?" Tiff was REAL quick to answer, "I'm not, but she is!!" Haha. Here are some pics from that adventure... just for your entertainment :)

at Op Camp!

on the drive!

my personal fave. haha.

Tiff was taking a pic of me 'under the
rainbow' and this lady INSISTED
that we take a 'cute couple picture'
together.. hahaha.

After we got back from Cali, we talked more and more. She spent 4th of July with my family and I in Vancouver. In August of that summer (2008), I was heading to Sweden for a month. In the week or so before I left, Tiff and I were texting constantly. At one point, I realized... *holy shiiiits, this girl is flirting with me!! Am I imagining this? Is this really happening?? But.... she's straight! right?!*. I sat there, at my parents house in Yakima, staring at my phone in shock. I couldn't tell anyone.. I wasn't exactly out to my friends (although almost everyone knew..), much less to my family. 

For the sake of keeping this a happy post, I'll skip through this next part of the story... but after some REALLY difficult and emotional times, and expensive phone bills (haha!), we decided to make it official! It was one of the best days of my life. Aaaand then, we did the typical 'lesbian' U-haul thing and moved in together right away. That was the beginning of our next adventure. 

Every day since October 1st, 2008, I have fallen more and more in love with this girl. We have definitely had our fair share of set-backs, mistakes, and nights full of tears.. but I'm proud to say that we have overcome SO much and are stronger today than we ever have been. From living together on day one, to my crazy family and hers, 3 years of having a long distance relationship, car accidents and great travels, learning more about each other and ourselves... this has been the number one, absolute greatest adventure of my life so far. Falling in love is a beautiful thing. I know it sounds cheesy.. but how could anyone think any differently when looking at this beautiful girl who I have the honor of calling mine? <3.

Life has been amazing since that day.. and it's all because of this girl right here. So baby, I just wanted to tell you that I love you. SO incredibly much. You will never truly understand how much you mean to me. My life is SO much better with you in it. You have brought, and continue bring so much joy into my life every single day. If I've had a bad day, feeling depressed, angry, anxious... anything- just seeing your smile instantly makes me feel a little better. There isn't a single person on this planet that can do that the way you do. You will forever be my best friend. The love of my life. My better half. And one day, I can't wait to make you my wife. 

Happy birthday, my love <3.

(Just a few more, for fun! :)

in love <3.

hahaha :)

just being strange.. as always.

our first date... the Stars concert :)

glad we made this adventure happen!

marriage equality and me.

If you are not in support of marriage equality (whether that means you voted no on R-74, chose not to vote on it, or don't believe that same-gender couples should be allowed to get married), I am asking you to delete me from your facebook, tumblr, instagram.. and/or delete my phone number from your phone. It has taken me a lot of thought and consideration to come to this point... and I have been told this is an extreme position to take.. but I stand firm by it. And here is why.

At the very CORE of this issue.. if you are not in support of marriage equality, this means you don't truly believe I deserve the same rights as you do. For some reason, in your mind, you deserve more as a human being than I deserve.

I have come to a place that I am past the point of putting up with being considered "less than" by anyone in my life. I have dreamed about getting married and having a family since I was little.. just like most people dream about their future. It's completely unfair that my right to have these things that are freely given to others is being put to a vote. My right to a marriage and a family is being placed in the hands of millions of people that don't know me.

I just want to make this very clear... if you are against same-sex marriage, you are against tiff and I. So please.. don't act like you're supportive of me. Like you want me to be happy in my life. Because you don't. Not truly. And if you do not support marriage equality, whether that means you voted no or chose not to vote on it, please don't plan on coming to my wedding. And I absolutely mean that.. regardless of whether you are a friend, an acquaintance, or a family member. Obviously, I will have no way of knowing how you voted... but if you have the boldness to vote against it, then please have the boldness to stay true to that decision.

One day, regardless of what the law says, tiff and i will have a wedding and celebrate the true love that we share, and we only want the people present with us in that celebration to be people that genuinely support and see the value in the love that we share.

This may make my circle a little smaller.. but I'm okay with that. It's not going to be this big, dramatic event. "In fact, you'll be creating space in my life for others to come in who do feel that my being here on the planet matters."

"Bottom line: I don't care who you are; whether you are my relation by blood or a longtime acquaintance, I don't want "friends" who don't think I'm as good as they are. I want friends who value me, who see my worth as a human being, and who fully support my equal protections under the law."

Explained here by someone who feels the same way:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kergan-edwardsstout/romney-lgbt-rights_b_1980231.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false#sb=3144177,b=facebook

much love to every person out there that has supported me. and to every person that has supported tiff and i. and to every person who has supported other queer/lgbt people in our community. you DO make a difference <3.

my naked truth.

you see scars on my wrists covered by rainbow threads and think:
statistic.

you think someday i will be found face down in my dorm room.

but I am stronger than a percentage.
i am a mighty oak.
my roots dig deep into this nutrient rich soil,
my family surrounding my solid foundation.

my strongly built trunk is scarred and tattered.
every mark tells a story of trauma.
and of healing.
every ring counts another year of my life.

these branches reach out to spaces yet to be discovered.
yet to be touched.

my growth is altered.
but constant.
shaped by both wind and will.
storm and strength.
both external.
and internal.
but i stand tall.

want to know my truth?
the truth that resides in this trunk?

my scars are from family fights.
and being told that i'm wrong.
that my whole being is wrong.

feelings for a girl in the third grade?
those are chosen. and unnatural.

they're from hating my breasts.
and my hips.
and wanting nothing more than that train set my brother got for christmas.

my scars are from words.
words spoken by those who "love thy neighbor as thyself."
so why was i their exception?

my scars.. are from me.
but so is my healing.

here's the thing about healing.
it begins at the moment of injury.
and can take days, months or even years.
but there will always be a scar.
altered skin.
never to be the same.

just as my skin had to renew.
regrow.
so has my soul.

i have grown the courage to own my truth.
to define myself.

the courage to say, i am neither male nor female.
i am both.
i am neither.

i am a child. not a daughter.
a sibling. not a sister.
i am a lover. partner. significant other.
not a girlfriend.

you see.. my gender.
it's between my ears.
not between my legs.

and this brain.
it's ever changing.
ever growing.

god, pain and meditation.

"Undoubtedly, the mind is restless. And difficult to restrain, but it is subdued by practice. And detachment."

Krishna, The Bhagavad Gita.

My life is so much more whole when I practice meditation and yoga on a daily basis. It brings so much healing to my soul.. and I've recently started understanding why. I know that peace and contentment are natural outcomes of meditation, but for me, it’s more than that. There is another reason. 

I know that I harbor a lot of wounds and pain in my heart, and I know that a lot of that has come from religion, god, and church and 'religious' or 'spiritual' people. I've spent the last 6 years trying to bury it and act like it hasn't hurt me as much as it has. This pain is triggered every time I come into contact with someone who talks about god, church, etc., every time i think about or talk to people that I used to be close with, or every time (although it's not often) that I enter, or even walk by, a church. If I hear a worship song while scanning through the radio stations.. come across pictures of my best friends in high school.. It's like those wounds are cut open again. And it happens in the one place that I was taught I was supposed to feel safe.. when in all reality, that would be the last word that comes to mind when trying to describe how I feel in these situations. 

In those years, I was taught that who god is, is very clearly defined.. as are his expectations. I was taught exactly what god would say in any given situation, how god would feel about any particular "choice of lifestyle", and I was taught the way to act in order to live a life that would be 'pleasing unto him.' I fully invested myself into all of these things that I was taught and was, for the most part, everything my church leaders wanted me to be. I held my hands high during worship, spoke in tongues when they prayed it into me, started a lunch-time worship ministry in my high school, brought friends to church week in and week out.. spreading the message that everyone needed to hear. I was taught to never question. Never doubt. The word of god was absolute truth and every word coming from the pastor's mouth was given to him from god himself. And to question or doubt would be not having faith in god.

A lot of these 'expectations from god' that I was taught were made clear without using words... all while being masked with the words, "we are just humans, there is no way that we'll be able to fully understand him. we are here to love each other, not judge." but the non-verbals were sending a different message. For example.. I was never taught that gay people were going to hell. Nobody in the church would ever be caught saying that. Because "jesus forgives all sins.. and they just sin differently than I do." But I do remember being encouraged to take my friends shoes and place them on the alter.. to pray that he would be set free from "spirits of homosexuality." Again.. it's all in the messages sent without using words.

Since then, I'd like to think I've removed myself from that community and from that way of thinking. But the more I think about it, the less I think either of those things are actually true. While I did distance myself a bit from a lot of people I was close with, I'm not entirely sure how much of it was actually my choosing. After "coming out", nobody treated me the same. Nobody talked to me the same. Nobody looked at me the same. All of a sudden, the looks of familiarity and excitement to see me when I'd first walk in the door turned into this shocked, i-don't-know-how-to-act-normal reaction. All of a sudden, I wasn't being invited over for “girl’s night” or coffee dates anymore. Because god-forbid, if a girl uses the word “date”, I might get the wrong idea. Then start flooding in the stories of, ‘so-and-so thinks that because you guys used to hold hands, you were in love with her’ and ‘so-and-so thinks that when you used to say ‘I love you’ that you actually meant it as more than friends.’ Then these people that I used to call ‘best friends’ wouldn't give me a hug anymore. I wasn't asked to babysit anymore. I was rarely invited to people’s houses, and on the off chance that I was, it would be prefaced with the familiar, “you’re more than welcome to come over.. but we’d prefer if you didn't (insert “gay” behavior here).”

You see, god’s opinions are very clearly defined in this church world, remember? And god, well.. he doesn't approve of this “choice of lifestyle”. And allowing ‘people like me’ into their homes would be inviting those ‘spirits of perversion’ into their homes.

There have been times in the last few years that I decided brave going to church with my parents if I was in town on a Sunday. Almost always, I’d walk in the door cautiously.. but somehow hoping that things would have gone back to normal. I’d be welcomed with open arms. And by open arms, I mean genuinely open arms.. not the kind of open arms of people who are happy to see me back in church and hoping that I am open to making some changes in my life. But every time.. that is what I was met with. Either the very obvious silent celebrations, as if my ‘return to church’ was some success they could count as an answer to their prayers, or cold, emotionless-but-trying-to-be-friendly smiles from a distance, but no real exchange of words.

And as for removing myself from that way of thinking.. it still haunts me. I still struggle accepting and loving myself. I push the idea of there being a god completely out of my mind, because if I acknowledge that god might exist, I feel like I’m agreeing with them about my “choice of lifestyle”. I push myself to learn about other religions, trying with all of my might to reject the idea that the god I learned about is the only thing out there in this universe.. but those voices come back to me every time. Telling me it’s not okay to question. It’s not okay to learn about other faiths. Telling me that if only I could live according to this book written by humans in another lifetime that, for the most part, does not apply to my life... I would be happy again. I feel like it’s torment.. but I know their answer to that. Torment is what comes along with this “choice of lifestyle.” This choice to live in sin and turn my back away from god. If I would only turn back to him, he could make everything better. I feel like I’m walking around, living life with an 80 pound vest strapped on my body. Like the straps get tighter and tighter with every breath I take.

Until I roll out my yoga mat, sit myself gently in the center with my legs folded underneath my body, and shut my eyes. In those moments, I can feel my spirit again. I feel that freedom I used to feel. Suddenly, this sense of complete peace is no longer tied to this strictly defined ‘god’ that I spent years learning about. The god that doesn't love me for who I am. The god that has, over time, taken on the voice of church leaders teaching me that I’m not living in a way that is pleasing unto him.

Suddenly, that peace is felt with a freedom that is indescribable. A freedom that I have missed with everything inside of me. I am overcome with love.. not just in myself, but surrounding myself. A love that knows no judgment. A love that brings healing and refuge. It’s like feeling your skin absorbing the warm rays of the sun. It’s like hearing a song that moves you beyond words. It’s like hearing the ocean waves that calm your soul. Where it doesn't matter what I’m going through, what mistakes I've made, how much money I have or how many belongings I own… there is no judgment. There is just me and this incredibly powerful, overwhelming love.

I think this is what it’s supposed to feel like. 

my ladder.

As I woke up this morning, I was immediately confronted with so many things weighing on my mind. Four months after walking across that stage and being the first in my family to graduate college.. I am still unemployed. Today is the last day to pay rent and the bank still hasn't refunded the money they owe us. What food do we have in the fridge that I can be creative with to come up with meals for the rest of the week? Why am I just waking up at 11am?

This isn't at all how I imagined life after graduation... I imagined this adorable apartment, decorated perfectly. Falling asleep happily snuggled up next to my love every night, waking up early together to have breakfast and say goodbye as we both leave for jobs that we're actually happy doing. Coming home and cooking dinner together. And actually having money to start trading the 'college lifestyle' in for nicer, more reliable belongings.

Instead, I'm continually finding all of these *perfect* jobs, but lack the experience necessary to even be considered. Struggling to pay bills and to put food on the table, which I suppose would imply that we actually owned a dining room table. Half of the days that I try to get out of the apartment, my car won't start. I stay up late on pinterest, turned away from my love so the light of my phone doesn't keep her awake, either searching for something to make the next day from the random, ignored ingredients we've had in our kitchen for entirely too long, or reading inspiring quotes trying to encourage myself to not give up. I then oversleep, waking up disappointed in myself, with half of the day wasted away. Not knowing where to start or how to stay positive.

Somethings. Got. To. Giiiiiiiiive.

Today.. I got this in my inbox from Notes from the Universe: "At any point in one's life, Kris, the greater the uncertainties they face, the greater their chances of hitting a major, life-changing home run." And I'm hoping with every bit of hope that I have in me that there is truth in that.

I know that one of these days, I'll catch a break. I'll land a job. And although it may not be one that feels perfect in this moment, I will at least have something to stand on. The first step of my ladder taking me to where I want to be. If you miss that first step, your whole journey feels unstable. For some people, that first step is the perfect job, the perfect place, the perfect people, the perfect situation.. and for others, it takes a few steps to get there. For some people, their ladder has more steps on it, and they have to work harder to get to the top. But those people will know the struggle it took to get there, and fully appreciate every small success... knowing that they're getting to where they want to be.

I'm starting to feel like I'm one of those people, and I'm starting to be completely content with it. My life will never be perfect.. but I will never stop climbing my own ladder.

why, hello.

new to this, so i'm just testing it out. :)